Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Why I Didn't Have Real Friends Until High School

We all try to get what we want. One might argue that this is even more true for women. All of our willfulness and self-importance (yes, it's true) starts at an early age. Our daddies call us Princess, mommies want their little girl to grow up strong and not let men take advantage of you because that's all they want so always be wary of them. It's like we get the world handed to us on a silver platter.

Most young girls want a Disney-themed something at some point in their childhood, and I was no exception to this pattern. I wanted a Pocahontas-themed birthday party for my third-ish birthday. I got my Pocahontas birthday party. I woke up that morning to a forest of balloons, including a Mylar balloon with Pocahontas on it.

I had to go to preschool still, but my mom and grandpa stayed with me for the whole morning. They had brought a Pocahontas cake, so we shared the cake with the rest of the kids and teachers in the room. I figured that I couldn't eat a whole cake without getting sick, so why not share with my classmates? That was where I drew the line with my charity.

Mom had also brought several balloons of varying colors (from my forest) for me and everyone to look at and enjoy during the little party. That's when things started to go wrong. The other kids started fighting over who got what colored balloon to take home that day. How dare those insolent little brats believe that they could just take my balloons!

I screamed and cried for my mommy to make them give my balloons back to me.

She assured me that the balloons would be mine, but I had my doubts, all the way up until I got to go home, where I was once again greeted by my forest.

Sunday, June 20, 2010


Last night, I dreamed that I was in a mall or something, and I was trying to talk to some guy, when all of a sudden he started yelling at me. And he wasn't just yelling anything, he was mooing, and as loud as possible. And I was like, "Um, hello? Trying to have a conversation, here. Stop mooing!" But he was all, "MOO!"

When something stupid or scary or bad or frightening or annoying happens in a dream, I usually know that it's a dream, so I try to wake up. I did as such on this occasion, only it didn't work! I was in my bed, and there was still mooing.

You see, my parents live in almost the middle of nowhere, in the beautiful Rocky Mountains of Colorado. There's a dirt road in front of their house with nothing across it but a large grassy hill where someone's cows roam frequently during the summer months. After a few moments, I realized that I was awake, and that there was actually a fucking cow outside of my window, mooing. I have no idea why it was mooing, nor why it was doing so as loudly as it was, but mooing it was. I wanted to kill it and have a nice hamburger right there, in front of all of the cow's friends, like, "See what happens when you moo at me all morning!!!"

Saturday, June 19, 2010

I'm Living in My Own Sphere of Loneliness, So Feeling Stupid as a Writer is Okay at This Point Because No One Is Watching

I came to visit my own blog today, to discover that I have 0 comments! For whatever reason, when I saw "0," I felt a flutter of butterflies in my stomach, like I ought to be nervous to read those comments, or that I'm so excited that I got so many comments! It wasn't like a, "Hey, look at all those comments! Oh, no, wait, that's a zero." It was just, "OHMYGOD, ZERO COMMENTS!!!! YESSSSSS!"

Also, I'm the only person following my blog. How cool!

Also again, I had another bloody nose today.

That's basically it.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Here I am, Trying to Start a Good Blog, and I Get a Nosebleed

I was reading Hyperbole and a Half, because I figure if I read maybe thirty to fifty posts a day I'll get funnier, when I started to feel my nose get really hot inside, then I dripped all over myself. My first concern was for my computer, because I'm poor, and those cost a lot and should stay clean. My second concern was for my clothes because I'm poor and those cost a lot and should stay clean because the stain won't come out and I don't want to have to buy more clothes.

You see, the problem with my nose is that it is really good at starting to bleed. It just has to learn when to stop. I got some tissue and stuck it in there, which has worked lately for getting the bleeding to stop, only this time, it just kept going! So I switched tissues, and stuck it up in my nostril even farther, and it finally stopped coming out of my nose. And commenced to run down my throat, and thus into my mouth. Of course, I have a fear of my bloody noses running into my mouth and staining my teeth red. So I swallowed the blood, and down it went, into my stomach, and blood in my stomach always makes me feel sick.

And that was that.

One time, in middle school, I had a bloody nose, so I stuffed it with tissue, and then a couple minutes later, the other side of my nose started breathing, so I stuffed that side with tissue, too. So now I had to breathe through my mouth. And of course the blood ran down my throat and into my mouth, as usual, and I couldn't breathe at all! I ran to my dad for help and started sputtering and choking through my blood that I couldn't breathe and that I had a bloody nose. He told me to calm down and just let the blood go out my nose over the sink. Okay....