Friday, December 3, 2010

The Pros and Cons of Christmas (and other Wintertime Holidays)

With the start of December (and oftentimes much earlier), we begin to see the signs of Christmas and other wintry holidays.  It is indeed, dare I say it, beginning to look a lot like Christmas.  In honor of this holiday, I have decided to give a detailed analysis of the pros and cons of Christmas.

Pro:  You see your family.  

When your parents' "little baby" comes home, they like to dote on you.  Holidays are when you don't have to buy clothes, food, or other stuff yourself.  

Con:  You see your family.  

Your family obviously misses you, that's why they like to dote upon you.  But since they like you, they also smother you with love.  While that's not necessarily a bad thing, you would like to be able to breathe some time during the day (love you Mom and Dad!). 

Pro:  Christmas Music

Christmas music makes everything better!  Would you open presents to rap music?  Rap metal, maybe, but not regular rap. 

Con:  Christmas gets exploited

There's nothing more annoying than visiting the grocery store the day after Halloween, hoping to score some clearance-priced candy, only to find that it's all been replaced with garland and ornaments.  It's also displeasing when there are commercials on TV that take Christmas songs and change them for their own foul marketing ploys.  Like the shoe that visits the other shoe and is caroling about what a horrible present she got.  

Because it is a merry time of year, filled with kindness and giving, corporations use this time to take advantage of you by turning your giving spirit into a buying spirit.  The establishment pretends to care about decorating for the holidays and singing catchy tunes when all they really want is for you to spend more money. 

Friday, November 12, 2010

A Letter to Myself

Dear Jenna,

Remember how hungry you were around eleven o'clock this morning? I know you thought it was closer to breakfast time than it actually was, so your bowl of cereal five hours earlier was no longer nourishing you. Instead, your insides were being devoured by invisible hellhounds sent by Satan himself. Being this hungry, you had a hard time concentrating on your scholarly studies. If you have ever been in the Saw trap that rips your ribcage open, you would know how hard it is to do anything other than trying to get out of the trap. Would you stop trying to dig a key out from behind your eyeball in order to take notes on transcription of DNA while the timer was ticking? I mean, we all would like to think that we could put our hands in strong acids to reach keys to set ourselves free, but would we really?

Anyway, you were really hungry so you went to the Carl's Jr. on campus and ate a Spicy Guacamole Bacon Burger. As delicious as it was, you immediately felt sick and bloated and fat.

Now, pay attention to this next part, Jenna. I really want you to remember this part of the story. As you lumbered off toward your next class, you walked slower than you ever have before. You could hear your own heart pounding, you felt it in all your veins and arteries. You were breathing heavier. You were creating an earthquake with each step.

I want you to remember how miserable you felt as you rolled your blob up the stairs.

And I leave you with this: remember this day, Jenna. Do not ever forget this day.


Sunday, November 7, 2010


If you have ever been to Colorado, you know that the weather could (and usually does) change at any moment. It could snow anywhere from September to May, but it has been known to snow right around Independence Day as well (that's July 4th, kiddos), depending on what area of Colorado you are in (there's a change in elevation of about 10,000 ft or more). Thus, we don't really abide by traditional rules of "seasons" here. I think the only rule is to keep your winter coat in your car at all times.

One of the more confusing times of the year is traditional "fall." One morning you're going to need that winter coat, and that same afternoon you change into your shorts and T-shirts and hang out outside, that is until the sun starts to go down, at which point you scurry inside, turn up the heat and sit under your blankets. This time is so confusing because it hasn't snowed yet. You're not sure when you wake up if it's going to snow that day or if you should plan a trip to the local swimming pool. The only thing you know for sure is that you will be cold in the morning, and you will be cold at night.

Today, at 3:00pm Mountain Standard Time, the sky darkened over the city of Fort Collins, a vicious wind picked up and threw leaves around in horrifying yellow-orange tornado, and everyone drew their jackets and blankets around a little tighter. Thirty minutes later, it was over. The sky is blue once more, all leaves safely on the ground, the air slightly less cold. For that brief half hour, one thinks, "Will it finally snow? Is it going to be cold for the rest of the year now? Can I decide on an outfit and not have to change halfway through the day (one or more times)?" But no. Nature has been misleading us. All of Colorado's previous years of snowing before the end of October has been leading to this year of weather hi-jinks, of keeping us on our toes. Who knows? Maybe it won't even snow this year.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Wow, is Britney Spears Cool Again? Wait, I Just Checked, and She's Not.

Last night, an episode of Glee was on where Brittany S. Pierce imagined she was the star of several Britney Spears music videos while under the influence of anesthesia. You can find the episode here on Hulu, though it will only be there for the next four or five weeks, maybe. Sorry, readers five weeks from today. Anyway, the characters were all talking about Britney Spears, and they were saying things like, "Oh, she's so cool, she's crazy and knows how to let loose. She's so inspirational because she's a single mom. We grew up on her." They mentioned chasing down the paparazzi a couple times too. But the whole time, I was thinking, "What about the part where she was always driving her kids around without car seats? Or when she shaved her head in some weird moment of I don't know what? She's not a good role model. And speaking of people my generation grew up on, what about Beyonce? She had music back then, and she's still good at making music now, too. She's also pretty classy.

Don't get me wrong, I loved that episode, especially because I love the character Brittany and seeing an episode mostly about her was really awesome.

Sunday, September 5, 2010


I accidentally deleted all my comments. I only had four that weren't from me, but still. They were my only sense of accomplishment. Blogger was all, "Delete these? It can't be undone..." And I was like, "Whatever, if I were actually deleting comments, I'd pick the "remove content" option, wouldn't I?" Apparently not. Thanks, Blogger.

Monday, August 23, 2010

I Have a Winning Streak!

Boyfriend and I ordered calzones from D.P. Dough, mostly because they deliver for free. I told them I would pay in cash, and they said they would be at my house within the hour. "Okay," I said, and hung up. "Within the hour?" I thought to myself. "Maybe it takes them a long time to make calzones? And they have a lot of business on the first day of school?"

I walked into the computer room and told Boyfriend, "They said they'll be here within the hour." Boyfriend huffed, as if to say, "I'm hungry now! But okay...." I said, "Maybe it takes a long time to make calzones?" Boyfriend grunted, as if to say, "Whatever...."

I sat down at my desk and piddled around on the internet for a while, eventually looking out into the living room at my purse. I thought, "I'll get up in a minute when I'm done here (with whatever website I was looking at at the time) and get my twenty out."

Thirty minutes later I heard a knock on the door. I jumped up from the desk in a flurry: "Where's Belle? Grab Belle! Where's my twenty? It's in my wallet still?! Dang it! I need my twenty!" I ran to my purse and pulled out my wallet and ran to open the door so the delivery person wouldn't have to knock twice and so I didn't have to shout through the door that I would just be a second, I opened the door, and Belle ran out to sniff. "Grab Belle! Belle! Inside! Belle! I have a twenty!" The delivery guy gave me my food and five dollars while Boyfriend grabbed Belle. "Here's four dollars! Have a good night!" Delivery guy left and I closed the door. Boyfriend scoffed, as if to say, "Four dollars?" I like to tip four dollars for almost any price, because four dollars seems like a good starting point for tips. If I were receiving a one or two dollar tip, to me, it almost wouldn't seem worth it. Also, people in the food service industry used to get paid below minimum wage, which was why there were tips. But people usually get paid minimum wage at least now, unless their employed by their family or foreign people. So if people get paid above minimum wage now, why do people even tip at all? Is that an outdated custom now? Should I stop tipping? It's not illegal to not tip, is it?

Anyway, I was devouring my yummy calzone with vigor, and I spilled marinara sauce on my shirt twice! I was a sad panda. And just yesterday, I spilled soy sauce down my front as well! That's why I'm on a winning streak, but with sarcasm because staining two of your favorite shirts in a row is not a win, it's a fail, so technically I'm on a failing streak. I'm like a horrible baseball player. They have foul streaks, right? The horrible ones? Do baseball teams even have horrible players anymore? Does baseball even exist anymore? I never hear about it.


I had my first day of classes for this semester today! They started at eleven so I could have slept in, but I have work at eight, so I was already almost tired when my first class started, and had to persevere through four hours of classes after nearly three hours of early morning work. My first class was your basic run-o'-the-mill college biology, and the professor said something interesting that I didn't quite understand.

"Biology is kind of.... You know that Supreme Court decision on porn, and they were like, 'You know porn when you see it?' Well, biology is like that, you know life when you see it." As is any college lecture hall, there was a certain amount of background chatter going, but as soon as she said "porn" the whole class went absolutely silent, and across the room there was a general vibe of confusion and a little bit of "What the hell?" After the few precious seconds of silence in the audience, during which the professor kept talking about the kingdoms in biology, there was a subtle eruption of whispering. The atmosphere during those moments was filled with disbelief, more confusion, and a little bit of "What the hell?!" Did the professor just want to show off her knowledge of old Supreme Court decisions? Was she trying to make a connection between biology and the rest of the world, as if to say "Biology fits into the social world, too?" It might have been that one because teachers always want you to believe that what you're learning is potentially useful in the real world and that you might actually need it someday! Even so, her point was badly made, even disruptive. Perhaps she just wanted to get our attention. But this calamity of a sentence caused me to think about times when maybe I don't know life when I see it. Rocks aren't alive, yet they are part of biomes. If they're not made of cells, then are they just mish-mashed atoms? Minerals are basically sloppy chunks of....stuff!

After a few minutes of brain rambling, I turned my attention back to the introductory lecture. Maybe the motive of her porn sentence was to make us think about science, as I had just done? I doubt anyone else had gone the direction with that phrase that I did. And if that was what she wanted, I was thinking more about chemistry than biology. Or was it molecular biology?!

So now I am confused about what even went on for that hour, wondering if she will always make weird references to biology, and worried that I won't do so well in that class if she does.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Healthy, Clean, and Organized!

***Prologue: Today's post is about a rare occurrence in my life. Never before have these three words come together in one day all at once.

This morning, I woke up and (after looking at the internet for a while) went for a walk with Belle. It was just in the neighborhood, and it was just short of a mile, but I did it without any complaining or procrastinating. Hopefully, this phenomenon will continue throughout the school year.

So far today, I have not overloaded myself with sweet things, either! Yay! I am experiencing a random burst of motivation! Maybe I can be healthy this year! I gained a lot of wait my freshman year of college because of the "All you care to eat" dining halls on campus. I care to eat everything, thank you. I also didn't exercise as much. But the thing is, I didn't notice until it was too late! In high school I did marching band and then winter guard, which didn't feel like exercise because it was outrageously fun and rewarding, even excluding the healthiness. So, without those activities I went on normally with my habits, and I ballooned! Only slightly, I am not HUGE, I don't want you to have a distorted image of me.

After my walk, I decided to take a shower. Actually, I didn't decide, I had to take a shower; I was all sweaty from my walk in the morning sun. Normally, our shower is absolutely freezing cold or holy hell hot. But on today's rarest of special mornings, it was a nice warm temperature, and thus I actually was able to put in an effort to clean myself without crying! I even shaved my legs! Both of them! And it has been a long time, so I really needed the opportunity. I would have shaved them sooner, but the drain in the tub won't plug either, so it wouldn't fill with water and I couldn't shave them that way. I would have had to freeze or melt.

After my glorious shower I put real clothes on! Something other than my one of two denim shorts and a tee shirt. And I blow-dried my hair, too. That picture at the top is me all clean and shiny! Yes, it does curl on that side by itself.

Erm, so yeah, feel pretty good today. Please don't think I'm self-absorbed and stop reading my blog. This probably won't happen again.

Friday, August 13, 2010


I went to visit my parents this week to get the remainder of my belongings. As you may recall from my post about cows mooing, my parents live in a semi-rural area, definitely remote. The cows across the road moo, the foxes have babies under the deck, the rabbits monchmonch the birdseed that the birds drop off the porch, and the field mice find ways into the house. The mice usually try their tricks to get in and around at night, as they are nocturnal. And of course this is when the house is most quiet, so our two German shorthair pointers can hear them, and being pointers, want to hunt them. Lucy is a purebread, and also an idiot, so she was going the most nuts over the mice. She would not give up the search for that furry rodent, even after its last appearance over an hour ago.

After I had already gone to bed, I could still hear the pitter patter of Lucy's little claws on the hardwood floor as she paced between the window and the buffet table that the mouse had disappeared under. This made me a little apprehensive... Where did the mouse go if not out of the table and into Lucy's mouth and claws? Might it have had a hole somewhere under there where it could roam to any other part of the house? I was wrought with terror as I lay awake in the hardly-ever-used-and-thus-dusty guest bed.

Could mice climb walls? What if there was one on the bed right now? What if one fell from the ceiling and onto my face? Should I open my eyes and brave what horrors I might find? Or should I keep them shut and put the tiny claws to every itch and scratch I felt on myself? I was afraid of both sides.

There is no resolution to this story. Who knows if mice were actually crawling on my face? All I know is that I'm just happy to have my own bed back.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Internet People Suck! (Moving, Part II)

After packing what clothes, jewelry, and hygienic accessories I had at Boyfriend's apartment, I went home to my parents' house to get the remainder of my knick-knacks, movie posters (including a stand-up of Legolas), and self put-together furniture from Target. I somehow expected that I wouldn't have that many things left there since I lived just fine without them in my dorm all year, and yet I was mistaken. Most of it was books though, so I suppose that's not too bad.

I don't want to bore you with boring details, but Boyfriend, Boyfriend's mom, Boyfriend's brother, Mom, and myself spent all day last Tuesday moving in. It really wasn't all that eventful. It took four people to move the near-40" TV. That's about it.

Boyfriend's parents were scheduled to go on a motorcycle trip to Taos later that week, so Boyfriend's mom left Boyfriend's brother, Tanner, at our place for about a week. Because of this we set up the futon (that will function as our couch) in front of the TV for him to sleep on, and had the DISH Network people come the next day to set up our satellite for channel viewing and enjoyment. The internet was also supposed to be turned on on Wednesday, but after calling Qwest's help line three times, we were eventually told that we would have to wait until Monday for someone to come out and check out the phone line manually. ARGH.

Also, maybe I should have had a better story about the internet people if they are the main subject of the title of this post. But don't you worry, it was traumatizing. Boyfriend and I didn't know anything about our work schedules, none of us could play online games, check Facebook or Twitter, or, most importantly, blog about moving! Ack!

Long story short, school's coming up fast and most of our boxes have yet to be unpacked. Bummer.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Moving (Part I)

Five of my friends from high school, all a year ahead of me in school, went to the same college, Colorado State University, and thus decided to live together their sophomore year (as all freshmen must live in a dorm hall). Unfortunately, Fort Collins, which is the lovely small town that houses CSU, has a little law called "3 Unrelated" or "U+2," which states that no more than three unrelated people may live together in any dwelling within Fort Collins city limits. Obviously, five people is more than three. Consequently, they would either have separate into smaller groups (and pay more rent) or live outside of Fort Collins. Located just to the south of Fort Collins at about a twenty minute drive is Loveland. Loveland has no such 3 Unrelated law, so they began their search here. Once couple would share a bedroom, my boyfriend had his own room, and the other two shared a room because one of them was unsure as to whether he would remain at the aforementioned institution. Next thing you know, the significant others of the two latter mentioned people move in, and there are four people in one bedroom and five people to one bathroom. Shortly after, I move into my dorm (also at Colorado State), and spend much time with all my friends, mainly with Boyfriend, and as such that half of the apartment became very much the definition of overpopulated.

Needless to say, we all started getting on each others' nerves, and around the same time, almost to the day, most of us announced that we would be searching out our own places to live. However, the lease is not up on this apartment until August, so while we're all moving out, it's just me and Boyfriend in this giant. Boyfriend and I are pleased to finally be moving into our own place, within Fort Collins. It will be a two bed/one bath, so there's plenty of room for all of our crap. We're moving next Tuesday!

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Happy Independence Day!

Merry 4th of July to all, and to all a good night of fireworks and freedom!

I don't really know what else to say. This is a cool video, though.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Being Responsible is Hard

I hate being an adult. It's summer, so I don't have classes, so instead I have to do dishes, or clean the house, or do laundry, or get stupid ideas like starting blogs and promising to post every week. I can't do anything! But instead, I play a little MMORPG I like to call Guild Wars all day, or watch daytime TV, or goof around on the internet by pretending I'm shopping for things I can't actually afford, or by clicking random ads that look interesting (the best/most interesting/weird ads usually begin with Facebook).

I have been perfecting procrastination for a very long time, since middle school, when classes actually got harder than a piece of cake. I recently began the journey to perfect the art of procrastination during my senior year of high school. I was in AP English, and our teacher was telling us how to bullshit an essay in under thirty minutes. This is useful, considering that one is given a small amount of time to complete many essays during the official AP English exam at the end of the year. This also became useful when I started college, which requires many long essays in a short amount of time. My best grade was on a bullshit paper on a story that I h
ad only gotten half-way through reading. You see, we all want to sound smart in our essays by using big words and fancily arranged sentence structures. But we fear that our reader will think that we are just pretending to be smart, so we dumb it down just a little bit. Instead of using the word "preposterous" we use "absurd," or even "silly." You also limit your connections between story and meaning by vaguely describing the symbolism of the pile of gold. This doesn't work. The teacher seems to expect you to be smarter than "silly." On your next paper, you actually use the words you think to use first. You make all the connections you found in the story and explain its meaning to the fullest. Such a method also does not work. This time you are wrong. For the next paper you fall asleep reading the novel, and in desperation you write an essay in thirty minutes at midnight before you go to sleep, look up the craziest synonyms you can find, make up crazy meanings behind the text that you know aren't correct, and fall asleep on your laptop. Your teacher thinks this is wonderful, A+! He/she wants you to be smarter than you are. You learn that not trying is the best way to go.

The above story is evidence that society forces us to become procrastinators, even those who were champions of responsibility to begin with. It is also a guide on how to write a good college paper if you get all the way through your English and composition classes as an average writer, take a reading class to discover that you suck, and need help. You're welcome. :)

What brings me to this blog post today is my hatred of all things responsible in matters of "homemaking." I have been putting off doing the dishes for a long time, several days in fact. I wanted lunch today. I got out some hot dogs that were yet unopened. I grabbed some scissors and prepared to let out the hot dog marination/preservation juices, only to find tha
t the sink was full of said uncleaned dishes.

Here is a fact about me: I hate dirty things, but as long as they are contained to one spot, I'm okay with it. This is how the dishes were allowed to accumulate. However, I also hate sticky, juicy ickies dripping off of meat of an unidentifiable origin.

I was not about to let hot dog juice get all over my dishes, dirty or otherwise. I set aside the hot dogs and began to clean the dishes. Surprise! The dishwasher is full of clean dishes! That's okay, just move on to empty the dishwasher. Done. Fill the dishwasher. This is where it gets hard because I'm obsessive-compulsive to an extent, and I have a very hard time putting bowls on the bottom rack. The water won't make it to the top, and ALL my dishes will be dirty still! I survived. Run the dishwasher, hand-wash the things that don't fit or aren't dishwasher safe. Done.

Open hot dog container, drip juice on the counter, have a fit, microwave hot dog, hot
dog explodes, clean microwave after another fit, use bread crust instead of hot dog bun because to poor too afford hot dog buns in addition to bread, eat hot dog, spill mustard on self, have a fit, do laundry. Done. Write blog post to procrastinate folding laundry. Done.

And here we have a paradox! I originally promised to write a blog post once a week. My procrastination with the dishes served as a tool of responsibility in creating a post! This blog post (responsibility) is serving as procrastination for not doing laundry! And now I feel inclined to discuss literary terms and theoretical physics at the same time! But I won't. I'm going to go do laundry. And I become responsible once more.

Buttons of responsibility and procrastination belong to Allie Brosh, at Hyperbole and a Half. Read it and revel in it.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Why I Didn't Have Real Friends Until High School

We all try to get what we want. One might argue that this is even more true for women. All of our willfulness and self-importance (yes, it's true) starts at an early age. Our daddies call us Princess, mommies want their little girl to grow up strong and not let men take advantage of you because that's all they want so always be wary of them. It's like we get the world handed to us on a silver platter.

Most young girls want a Disney-themed something at some point in their childhood, and I was no exception to this pattern. I wanted a Pocahontas-themed birthday party for my third-ish birthday. I got my Pocahontas birthday party. I woke up that morning to a forest of balloons, including a Mylar balloon with Pocahontas on it.

I had to go to preschool still, but my mom and grandpa stayed with me for the whole morning. They had brought a Pocahontas cake, so we shared the cake with the rest of the kids and teachers in the room. I figured that I couldn't eat a whole cake without getting sick, so why not share with my classmates? That was where I drew the line with my charity.

Mom had also brought several balloons of varying colors (from my forest) for me and everyone to look at and enjoy during the little party. That's when things started to go wrong. The other kids started fighting over who got what colored balloon to take home that day. How dare those insolent little brats believe that they could just take my balloons!

I screamed and cried for my mommy to make them give my balloons back to me.

She assured me that the balloons would be mine, but I had my doubts, all the way up until I got to go home, where I was once again greeted by my forest.

Sunday, June 20, 2010


Last night, I dreamed that I was in a mall or something, and I was trying to talk to some guy, when all of a sudden he started yelling at me. And he wasn't just yelling anything, he was mooing, and as loud as possible. And I was like, "Um, hello? Trying to have a conversation, here. Stop mooing!" But he was all, "MOO!"

When something stupid or scary or bad or frightening or annoying happens in a dream, I usually know that it's a dream, so I try to wake up. I did as such on this occasion, only it didn't work! I was in my bed, and there was still mooing.

You see, my parents live in almost the middle of nowhere, in the beautiful Rocky Mountains of Colorado. There's a dirt road in front of their house with nothing across it but a large grassy hill where someone's cows roam frequently during the summer months. After a few moments, I realized that I was awake, and that there was actually a fucking cow outside of my window, mooing. I have no idea why it was mooing, nor why it was doing so as loudly as it was, but mooing it was. I wanted to kill it and have a nice hamburger right there, in front of all of the cow's friends, like, "See what happens when you moo at me all morning!!!"